Giving Him My Life..FR FR
On the start of the new year, I decided to fully give my life to Christ. that sounds a little weird coming from me because I grew up in church. The first question probably would be, ' Well, didn't you already do that?' No, I didn't. Through the years I learned that it was easy to attend church every other day, put on an image that you have your life together, but in reality you don't.
On New Year's I wasn't planning to go to church. I was trying to find a way to be at some party, or social gathering OUTSIDE of church. I thought, I go to church EVERY new year and want to switch it up. Somehow I ended up in church, and simultaneously found something that I had been asking God for, for a long time, a church home. Inspired by the newness of the year, and the want to be better I have been intentional about making God priority in my life. Doing this, I know that everything else in my world would follow suit behind him.
During this time, I was talking to a guy that I was absolutely shook by. He had a business plan, he was intellectual, and was sensitive. Like did I hit the lottery or something?!? He always would talk about how in awe he was of me, and how me and him were meant to be. Given my history with guys, I tend to give them all my time, in hopes that I could gain a love and acceptance from them that I never really got growing up. A lot of times this would cause me to alter who I was to gain their acceptance. I no longer wanted to be that insecure person, and wanted to stand by the standards I set for myself. With this guy I openly, and boldly talked about my desire for Christ, and my mission of celibacy. I was really nervous with expressing this to him because I knew there would be a possibility for him to no longer be interested in me. That it would be a possible turn off.
To my surprise this made him even the more willing to pursue a relationship with me. At this point in my mind I'm thinking, ' Oh snaps! I held to my standard and he didn't run away! This HAS to be mine'. We get dazzled by little things people do because they went a step further than others. This in itself can be a trap to settle for trash with glitter on it just because it crossed the line of our insecurity. We continued talking almost every night through Face-time. Our conversations would carry on very intense: 'You were made for me', ' I see us being a power couple' etc. In these moments I knew we were talking too heavy with each other in such a short time without having real knowledge of each other. We would exchange very deep R&B type songs as if we were in love. It almost felt like we were running to no destination fast.
It came around the time of our official first date, and it being our second meeting. Our date was held at a very popular museum, and it was a great time of seeing art. However Instantly I knew something was off, but I figured I would ignore it. Towards the end of our museum escapade he asked me if I was hungry, and I told him yes in a very giddy reply. We arrive to the restaurant and as soon as we sit down he ask, ' Do you mind paying for dinner?'
With this being a fresh potential relationship this question threw me off, and birthed a type of petty in my attitude for the rest of night. I replied, ' Sure', knowing that deep down on the inside I felt played and finessed on our entire date. I mentally beat myself up for ignoring certain things in the beginning that showed his character.
The next day comes, and I realized that the way I handled the situation after the date was immature, and reached out to him to apologize for my lack of communication (I ended things, and blocked him everywhere with no explanation of what was going on in my mind.) We talked over that night, and everything seemed to be mending back together. We were back on the beat we left off at, until a day later I noticed he un=followed me on social media without saying anything. A couple of days go by till he decides to reach out to me with two long paragraphs about who he believed I was, and who he believed I was not. He closed the message with, ' What it boils down to is miscommunication on both parts, but the damage has been done'. Although I did have a great time clapping back at his statements, and closing it off with a business petty Regards, *Signed my First, Middle, and Last Name* I was really hurt on the inside. I couldn't understand how someone could say 'the damage has been done' to someone they saw so much life with. I got caught up quick, and didn't guard myself enough to figure him out. It was easy for my heart to be penetrated because I was wide open with a stranger. I didn't check his motives. I had certain voids that I refused to confront, and tried to fill them with him. That instant infatuation, and idea of love filled me up with this false sense of what love.
Taking an analysis of previous relationship failures, I would not seek God to mend my brokenness. If I wasn't questioning him 'Why?' I surely wasn't about to sit here, and pray or worship God in spite of my heartache. 'The damage has been done' continued to ring in my head randomly throughout each day. My insecurity of feeling disposable began to rise up each time. I have experienced rejection more than the normal person (who's normal anyway..right?) through my life, and facing it again was something I really didn't want to go through, but it was happening. I was used to people leaving me. I was used to not being enough, and his words continuously stabbed me in the heart. It also made me think something:
Jesus never said I was too damaged for him..
It was a moment that turned my heart and pain to Jesus. I held on to my piece of memory I had of a scripture talking about how no matter how far I go, his love will always be chasing me. It never gave up. I took that memory and plugged it into Google and found that it was Romans 8:39:
' Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' KJV
I found myself seeing God's love for me in my new church family, and primarily in his word. When I would read my bible app plans/devotions I couldn't control my tears. I couldn't control how hard the scriptures were hitting every insecurity, and lack of feeling. This wasn't emotionalism, or being led by my feelings, but simply a discovery of identity and of my creator. Discovery of the one who loves me more than my family ever could. This was freedom.
I tried to make love out of an idea I had in my mind. I tried to construct my own project with a man apart from God. I thought I could change him to want to have a desire for God, and I thought that if I went back he would see me and not reject me. Despite my earlier confession of desiring Christ, I still believed that I could construct my own version of love without Christ involved. I thought that love was talking every night, exchanging of the deepest, soulful music created on earth, and singing it to one another.
Then God tugged on me saying ,
'How are you gonna sing about LOVE, without singing 'bout me?'
(Listen to the song Love Song by Canton Jones)
This whole time I was trying to make LOVE, and LOVE already existed. Ain't that crazy? LOVE was chasing me, and I turned it down because I thought that If I got it from something/someone tangible that it was better. I thought the real definition of LOVE was boring, and just a figment of my imagination. Just some gibberish I heard growing up in church. I believed I knew what it was just because I could show an image. I had the future first lady look, style, and grace on the outside, but I didn't know LOVE. I was the goody two shoes who sat behind the leaders in church, and thought I was on the right track. I thought my spot was secure in heaven because I was good with the first family.
Those things aren't love. Those are man made ideas, images, and facades.
When Jesus died for me that's the greatest love to know about. I got tired of giving my destiny to people and their ideas/expectations of me. I got tired of being the picture-perfect church girl that is good with the first family, and has preacher parents. That was a cage, a box, and people were comfortable with me there because I was controllable. I was manageable upholding the images of people instead of investing in relationship with Christ.
This revelation of my life, self love, and relationships has been molding me into who Jesus says I am. I am far from perfect, but I can say that I have never experienced a love strong enough to push me to be better like the love that Jesus has for me.
This is why I give him my life. He gave me his.