Mind Your Mind.
I have been struggling in my mind lately.
The things that plagued me as a child have caught up with me as an adult and it’s hard.
It’s hard to see that I’m not secure in areas that I believe I should be. It’s hard realizing that these insecurities interfere with the relationships in my life.
I went on a date a month ago and immediately it’s as if all my insecurities popped up to the surface to the point I started to compare myself to him in my mind. I looked at where I didn’t measure up, and I felt weak and inadequate.It’s funny what we ask for as women. We ask God to give us a man with a plethora of qualities, and when we are encountered by those qualities we take a step back in fear. Now granted this guy wasn’t for me, but that single day showed me everything about myself.
It showed me that I didn’t believe I was valuable. It showed me that I still felt like a child, and to be honest it showed me that I had so much anger in my heart for what I expected my family to prepare me for because he seemed prepared.
A lot of my life I roamed around feeling like a nomad. Traditional in our history books we learned that nomads roam from place to place never having a place to call home. In my case, housing was secure, but forming relationships never went past surface with family(or people in general). Although I have a mother I love dearly and who has sacrificed for me there were missing pieces in our relationship that made me angry that my puzzle wasn’t complete.
It made me angry that I didn’t live in a household with both of my parents. Often I would go in and out of depression. I felt like I had the short end of the stick while witnessing my siblings two parent home w/ my dad and their mom.
It showed me that I was living in a state of hurt and masking is as “okay”. It’s easy to forget that your struggle/insecurities are there when there is nothing in your life to challenge or trigger them to change.
Even recognizing this insecurity is hurtful because I have a perfectionist complex. I don’t like to be wrong because I was consistently told I was as a child.
It also showed me that I took my life out of God’s hands.
As I know God more I am growing secure in these areas I was once insecure. This public display of God’s love for me upsets the devil, though. As we know, the enemy feeds off of our insecurities. He studies us and when it’s time for his exam of defeating us he aces it with flying colors. He does this in hopes that our eyes get off of Jesus, and on our weakness.
Moments like this make me run to Psalms 139. When I read it I feel as though God was intentional with my creation when I would think that I was just taking up space.
Remember: the enemy is the FATHER OF LIES. He’s not my father so I will not take on the things he tries to whisper to me in moments of vulnerability.
I am not helpless, you are not helpless. WE ARE NOT HELPLESS!
I know why I’m here and I feel that reason burning in the pit of my stomach. The devil will not use me against me.
*say that to yourself over and over*
With those brief accounts of where I have felt low, I know the God that sits high put me in this exact spot for an exact reason. In his word I have found therapy. (& a leading to one who works in that profession) In his word I have found identity. In his word I have found TRUTH. It Is true that the good thoughts he thinks of you out number the sand.
Why don’t the good thoughts of yourself match that?
Truth: he has purpose for you because he engraved you on the palm of his hand. He formed you in your monthers womb.
You are enough. Take some time to meditate on what the Word says about you. This world doesn’t want you to believe it. Give your mind to God. Trust him enough to let it go. Don’t struggle alone. Find an outlet. Write how you’re feeling down.
Listed below are links to songs that have pulled me out of the mindset the enemy wanted me to have for myself. ESPECIALLY that William Murphy song! I would recommend to listen to that one first. It’s straight 🔥.
Lastly, remember hat life is a journey. You will not feel 100 all the time and this is okay! But don’t stay there! Someone is depending on you to GET UP!
P.S - Don’t forget to read Psalms 139 ☝🏾Meditate on it!
I Love you!